Reflection: Not what I hoped for

So here's the short version of what I know about reflection after the last week or so.

I'm not very good at it.

The longer version is I'd like to be all high and mighty and pretend that this realization is a good thing.  You know, "Knowing is half the battle" and all.  But honestly it's just a bit disappointing.  I'm tired, I don't like my job, and I let being busy get in the way of getting a Godly perspective, more or less keeping one. I know that these are just excuses, and yet I can't seem to gather enough focus to get anywhere.  When I sit down to just remember, my mind bounces ideas around inside my A.D.D. skull like a hummingbird bounces from one flower to the next.

I honestly wish I could say I made grand leaps of comprehension about how my life has gone in the last few years and where I want it to go in the next few, but I haven't.  I know I wish I was in ministry somewhere able to direct my energy towards helping people instead of constantly focusing on how to produce more product.  I know that Life has not gone as I hoped it would in the last 4 years.  And I know that somewhere a long the way I have either lost or severely injured my desire to put others before myself.  In addition to being tired, I'm more skeptical now than ever.  I'm sarcastic, bitter, grumpy, and lack the confidence I once had that anything was possible.

To be flat out honest: I'm looking inside myself and finding that I'm an ugly guy on the inside and the task of reflection seems overwhelming as a whole.  Yet I am too dissatisfied with where I am to stay there.

So... I'm going to break it down into smaller more manageable parts and press deeper.  I am so disgusted by who I am sometimes that I nearly weep.  Yeah I'll admit it.  Call me a pansy, or a sissy.  I don't care anymore.  I know I must be brutally honest with myself in this process. I'm seeking a more real prayer life. I'm opening myself up to what I have messed up, and inviting God to look at those mistakes and me give me correction.

Pray for me to learn from his wisdom.

-Dave