Reflection: The military and me

Recently I have spent a lot of time looking at these coins.  We found them while cleaning up and moving things around in preparation for the baby.  They were given to me for doing a good job.  The top one is the coin of the school I attended, and was given to me by the Major in charge of the program along with an invitation to consider coming back next year as an instructor.  The bottom coins are from the Command Sergeant Major and commanding Major General of the 38th Infantry Division and were presented during my commissioning ceremony.  I only had to sign my contract as a Second Lieutenant.  I had started as an enlisted soldier, been in for less than a year, and was being promoted to the officer ranks. I felt pretty good, like I was making a mark on the world for the better and was doing it by being a servant leader.

Then, a very short time later, I received my injury while doing our morning exercise routine at drill weekend.  That changed everything.  I hadn't signed my new contract yet, and now couldn't.  Because of the injury, I was non-promotable until medically cleared.  Therefore my rank was reverted to my rank when I was enlisted: E-4, Specialist.  About a step up from toad.  I expected to be cleared quickly, and to be able to accept my commission during the 2 year window.  I could wait 2 years to accept my commission, but my ankle needed surgery, and ultimately it never healed fully.  I haven't been able to run since, and after 3 years of red tape and headaches, I was honorably discharged from the army.  The military has no use for a soldier that can't run.

I'm not proud of the fact that during those first two years I became bitter.  And not just with the National Guard, but at home, at church, and at my civilian job (which due to the injury was also NOT what I wanted to be doing, but that's another story).  I even became bitter towards God, and carried it with me.  I made some bad choices and nearly wrecked my life and marriage.  To make a long story short, it wasn't until I finally put God back in charge and actually accepted His guidance, wherever He would lead, instead of trying to direct the situation where I wanted (back towards a commission and a healthy Army career) that I was able to start to follow him with peace.  Since I did that in December of 2009, I have been on a journey towards spiritual health, and God is constantly teaching me things from that difficult time.  For example, it took yesterdays post from Tim Stevens to help me see that neither my bad choices nor unfortunate accidents are what define me.  I had been looking at these coins for a week and bemoaning my bad luck.  I have been moping, and my poor wife has watched with concern unable to bring me out of it.

I needed a bit of perspective, and God had used the fact that some of the heroes of the Christian faith made mistakes as a mirror on the most trying period of my life.  Those heroes (Abraham, David, Isaac, Gideon, and Samson) all had women they were not married to living in their houses for sexual purposes, and the writer of Hebrews praises them as men of faith without making any comment on their sexual sins.  The writer even tells his readers "keep the marriage bed pure" (13:4).  To me, it was a reminder that I should define myself by what God's purpose is for me.  He doesn't define me by my mistakes, and neither should I.

Hebrews 13:5 "...God has said, never will I leave you; never will I forsake you."